I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.