My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Same pineapple, same
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?