[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Don’t tell me what to do
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.