I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You Might Also Like
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef