Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Welcome
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons