I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Spring of Deception
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I have a black belt in leather
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.