taking June’s advice to heart
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
This raises questions
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…