The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Friday
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.