i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us