When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.