Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts