Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*