[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
You Might Also Like
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool