[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My purse is deeper than some people.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Challenge accepted.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.