So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”