MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?