One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
You Might Also Like
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
called in thicc to work this morning
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.