my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.