Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
#merica
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.