Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
goldfish mafia
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”