Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
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Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.