Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy