time machine? you mean a clock?
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔