all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Golf would be better with landmines.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.