Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I think I’m having a stroke
Holy crap this is wonderful
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.