Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.