I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Saw your ex at the shops
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*