I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat