My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
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My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Got ya covered
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order