Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life