If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
wtf is an acronym