If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)