I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes