Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”