The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.