[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.