me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.