Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I would like even faster food.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire