Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
*bites zombie*
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!