Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Yep.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks