Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”