I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to