Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star