As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Breaking news:
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.