Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
HERE’S MARKY
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!