Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I鈥檓 going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they鈥檒l stop inviting me to over to their house.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
It鈥檚 gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Sorry I didn鈥檛 make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you鈥檙e back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don鈥檛 have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
ME: I鈥檓 scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don鈥檛 worry it鈥檚 a mass extinction.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I鈥檓 no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain鈥檛 gonna look like that for long.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad鈥檚 girlfriend she鈥檚 just a girlfriend for NOW, while I鈥檒l always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I鈥檝e been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.