[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
same vibe as tangled headphones
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Seductively sings in Klingon.