When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Penguins walking in 5x speed
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?