I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
こいつ天才
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.