What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast